Read a novel on Tuesday | my boyfriend said I was suffering from depression.

one day you are moody, one day you can't help it, one day you are pessimistic and pessimistic, you are suddenly full of despair about life, you don't know why you are like this, and your boyfriend announces that you are suffering from depression.

Zhong Xixi and her boyfriend Leng Xiaoxing are facing unexpected life changes that they have never experienced before. In the process of looking for solutions, they come into contact with all kinds of people and things they haven't had a chance to know before, and gradually discover some tastes and surprises of life that can only be perceived after depression. Depression brings pain as well as a turning point. it is not only a psychological problem but also a symptom of life. We accept it and defeat it.

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my boyfriend said I was suffering from depression

 I

one day in early November in Beijing, I woke up from a night-long strange dream. Before I was fully awake, the cold came before the heat came in early winter. Except for a little heat from my body temperature in the quilt, the whole house was shrouded in a gloomy, lonely, restless atmosphere.

my intuition tells me that my boyfriend has gone to work while I am asleep. In my words, it's called "leaving without telling me" and "leaving me". He was probably afraid that I wouldn't let him go again, so he dodged early. At the thought of this, there is a breath in my little heart. For some reason, other people are angry from the stomach to the forehead, but when I am angry, I feel that the whole gas is stirring in my heart.

"your body always feels so different that it's hard to understand." My boyfriend used to say that about me. For a long time, apart from his inexplicable and incomprehensible attitude towards the various physical feelings that continue to appear every day that I have described, it is very difficult for him to be "innovative" in his mindset. Whenever I was gentle, or rude, or wept over my face, or said to him angrily, "I feel bad", he looked at me with the way he saw a strange animal. It sometimes makes me feel like I was lost from the mountains to the city-a a "monster".

well, let me talk about this strange person:

Zhong Xixi, a 25-year-old female, is a graduate student in the Chinese Department of Haidian Bridge University in Zhongguancun, Beijing. A few days ago, my boyfriend announced that he was suffering from depression.

Yes, I'm 25 years old, and I got depression before I graduated.

generally speaking, Chinese children begin to study in college at the age of 18, with a four-year undergraduate program and a bachelor's degree at the age of 22. Some people turn into society at this time and begin to hone themselves. unfortunately, I belong to another huge group that is at a loss and does not dare to step into society. So Xin gladly took the postgraduate exam and continued to hide on campus as the so-called "academic school" with a happy face. For practical majors, such as economics, management, law, and journalism, the postgraduate program is usually two years old. Students can be in high spirits when they get their master's degree at the age of 24. Unfortunately, my Chinese department, together with philosophy, history, archaeology, physics, mathematics, and other majors, belongs to a traditional basic theory discipline with a long history. The postgraduate system usually takes three years. I was 25 when I graduated and got my master's degree. But why am I still studying for a master's degree at the age of 25?

judging from the logical reasoning above, it must be because I failed to graduate properly.

I didn't graduate properly. Because when I was a sophomore as a graduate student, I applied for an exchange program in Europe with a vision of advanced countries in Europe and the United States and the idea of inheriting the family tradition. The so-called inheritance of the family tradition means that my parents, starting from my grandfather, are working at the forefront of the diplomatic cause of the motherland. As the eldest granddaughter (since my father was the only male of that generation, I was forced to be the only "eldest granddaughter"). After entering high school, I keep seeing and hearing my retired grandparents and working fathers praise and envy the study abroad of all kinds of relatives and friends, as well as turn around and talk about my anger and gossip. It's good to go out and have a look after being poisoned by all kinds of American TV series, from saying that you don't have to go abroad when you learn Chinese, and then you think it's good to go out and have a look after being poisoned by all kinds of American TV series. So finally after a lot of trouble, I got the offer of the EU exchange program.

to sum up, in the past few years, that is, six years of a college career, although I often felt bored and slightly nihilistic, I sometimes doubted my life and ideals. For example, why on earth do I read so many books about various theories every day? what does it have to do with real literature and real life? Since deconstructionists believe that all established patterns and structures in society are made up of "words", what is the point of concrete actions? Does the research I do every day have anything to do with most other people except for such a small number of people in academic circles? Since history cannot be restored 100%, why does everyone have to restore it in their way? However, while in doubt, I still have a kind of confidence in daily life itself, probably because life has not deviated from the track of my imagined goal. What kind of life do I imagine? It is probably: after graduation to find a job related to words, do not worry about food and clothing. There are favorite concerts to listen to, lectures to sit on, summer evenings in the open-air seats of roadside restaurants, drink some beer, eat some kebabs, write poems, then get married and have children, and live a mediocre life that everyone will experience.

whenever I think of this ending, I get melancholy. In college, my essences were very timid and very cautious. I never concentrate my time on anything: academic, literature, English, internship, everything. I was afraid I was wrong and wasted my time in vain. Also afraid of something too deep, it is inevitable to catch a variety of thinking "bad habits", there is a tendency to "go crazy". From a certain point of view, my outlook on life is not unreasonable, but it is still another kind of a waste because not doing anything in depth is sometimes tantamount to doing nothing, taking a few steps in all directions, and then going back to square one.

I also want to find excitement for life, especially for youth, to find the meaning of life, to find a sense of achievement.

so, when I received the offer of the overseas project, I suddenly had a feeling that I had finally done something a little meaning in my life. At least it is a matter of "glorifying the ancestors" and "glorifying the lintel". I imagine the free air of foreign countries after going abroad, ancient and thoughtful buildings. I kind of feel that life is not so bad. To celebrate my success, I even signed up for a French class to learn a new language. At that time, I could not have expected that there was no established nature of life at all, and there were plots that you could not imagine.

but everything has changed since then.

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the turning point I experienced, I still remember clearly, began at that time.

because in the summer French class, I met my boyfriend, Leng Xiaoxing.

A year and a half later, he announced that I was suffering from depression.

depression 2 if this is not depression.

the scene where Leng Xiaoxing announced that I was suffering from depression was much more mundane than I thought. There is not much hysteria: because the greatest hysteria is over, while minor hysteria is the norm.

it was an equally cold morning. I woke up early. Although I slept, I was tired and dizzy. The vagueness of the endless stomach has not gone away, constantly gnawing at my patience. I woke up my boyfriend who had quarreled with me last night and said "I feel bad" angrily.

Leng Xiaoxing closed his eyes and was silent.

I knew he was pretending to sleep and didn't want to talk to me, so I twisted my body a few times. In the process of twisting, I suddenly felt as if my body was covered with slippery meat that I couldn't shake off. I got up from the bed, ran to the toilet, and looked at myself in the mirror. In my heart, I knew I was so fat, but what I saw in the mirror still shook my heart: the fat face, the fastback, and the fat elephant legs I hated most. I went back to my room, shook Leng Xiaoxing again, and asked him, "Hey, do you know what 'tiger back' means?"

he opened his eyes this time. But still no answer.

I had no choice but to prompt him: "that is to say, I am like this."

I waited for Leng Xiaoxing's response, hoping he could comfort me, but he asked me as if he remembered something: "what time is it?"

I fell beside him in disappointment, turned over, and ignored him. After a while, he sat up by himself, stretched himself, picked up the phone on the table and looked at it for a while, then said, "I have to go."

I know he said that to me.

every morning seems to be the same morning; every war seems to be the same war. I quarreled with Leng Xiaoxing about his work day after day. I don't like him leaving before I get up. I don't like him leaving before I finish talking to me. I don't like him leaving when I feel sick. I don't like him leaving before I finish breakfast. What I didn't say is: whatever the excuse, I just don't like him going to work. Because after he left, the room was so empty that I couldn't bear it alone. Sometimes I ask myself: What can't you bear? Is it lonely? Is it lonely? Is it the pain of the body? Is it a worry in your heart? I faced my question, but I didn't know how to answer it: the answer was too complicated. I hesitated to speak.

neither, both.

when I am alone at home, I often feel that I have problems that I can't solve. Everything I encounter, every worry, I think of all kinds of ways, but I feel that these methods are dead ends, and there are always some reasons that make them impossible. I also often stand on the balcony and shout to the opposite building, "Hello, is anyone there?" As a result, of course, there was no answer.

I can't stand it when I think about it. When he came back, Leng Xiaoxing had already put on his clothes and shoes and walked to the door.

I jumped out of bed almost subconsciously and rushed to the door. I didn't see his face. I just held his arm and refused to let go. I cried as I hugged him, and my tears fell out of control.

"you don't want me to go again?"

I was stupefied for a moment and then continued to cry. I dare not answer his question, I am afraid that after the answer, there will be another quarrel, and at the end of the quarrel, he still has to go, and I still have to bear everything.

Leng Xiaoxing stood silently for a moment and let me cry like this. I heard his sigh.

he didn't lose his temper this time. He said, "Don't cry. I'm not going to work today." I wiped my tears and raised my face. I couldn't believe it was true. I saw that Leng Xiaoxing was very calm, kind-hearted, and did not seem to be deceived, so I gradually stopped crying.

I never knew what made Leng Xiaoxing change his usual style and accompany me at home without complaint that morning. We did it together that day. At breakfast, I went out for a walk in the yard downstairs, like a normal couple who couldn't be better. When he got home, he turned on the TV connected to the computer and watched chinchilla with me.

the smell of summer afternoons in rural Japan, which seems to be endless in cartoons, slowly permeates through the TV screen. I feel warm in my heart and have nothing to worry about. I want time to stand still and go on like this.

Why don't you want me to go to work every day? Are you afraid of anything? "

it seems that he and I have the same question. I shook my head to show that I didn't know how to answer.

"Why not find something you like to do?"

"I. There is nothing I like to do. "

Leng Xiaoxing looked at me suspiciously and said, "really?" Don't you have anything you like to do? "

"mm-hmm."

"Don't you like reading very much?"

"I don't like it now."

"what about cartoons?"

"I don't want to see it. I feel bored."

"aren't you watching cartoons right now?"

"that's because I have you with me. I can't hold on if I'm alone."

Leng Xiaoxing could do nothing about my answer, but he further asked me, "Why are you no longer interested in what you used to like to do?"

"because I feel so empty, nothing makes sense."

is it nothingness? He asked half of me and half of himself.

I nodded.

Leng Xiaoxing has been silent for a long time, and I have been silent for a long time. The word "nothingness" leaves us speechless.

Leng Xiaoxing was not reconciled to it and asked me, "then why are you always crying?"

this time it was my turn to look at him suspiciously: "not even crying?"

"it's not that you can't cry, but there's always a reason."

Yes, why am I always crying, like Mrs. Xianglin?

"are you aggrieved?"

well, I am a little aggrieved, because I feel that I have been living very hard, but others do not understand.

"Are you scared?"

maybe I'm a little scared, too. I always feel that my body may go out of control at any time, and the names of all kinds of complicated diseases fill my mind, spinning at full speed.

"Are you worried?"

this is nonsense. There must be all kinds of concerns. Just my fatter and fatter figure and more and more recent papers are enough for me to struggle with ten thousand times. Not to mention my boyfriend and family, all kinds of relationships haunt me and I have to be responsible for all of them, but I can't be responsible now.

while thinking about it, Leng Xiaoxing shouted: "Why on earth are you doing this?" He probably asked impatiently. His roar woke me up. But this also made me cry.

whoo.

when I cried, Leng Xiaoxing was worried and quickly coaxed me, "Don't cry." Don't cry, don't cry. " But I couldn't stop at the moment.

"Why are you crying? I. I didn't do anything to you. "

"you didn't hit me much, but I just want to cry." You keep asking me why, but I can't say it. I. I can't express it. "

"How can it not be expressed?"

"I. I have something to say. "

"so you cry?"

"mm-hmm. I can't help it. I just want to cry. Although there is no point in knowing that there is no point in crying, there is no other way but to cry. "

I don't even know what I'm talking about. Leng Xiaoxing stopped talking. I picked up the Kleenex on the table, wiped my tears, and continued to cry. I looked up at him, his eyelashes flipped, his eyebrows a little frowned, and he always looked like that when he thought about things.

"I wonder if you are-- I think you are suffering from depression."

the moment Leng Xiaoxing announced that I was depressed, my brain rang. The noise is not the kind of response to stimulation, but the sound in the brain when something is suddenly awakened. It is not an exaggeration to say that it suddenly became clear. My heart is not heavy, there is no sadness, on the contrary, I am in a happy fantasy and feel that something has been released all of a sudden. That kind of feeling is like sitting in a garden, eyes full of green, all kinds of flowers blooming, the fragrance around, the breeze blowing, again and again, no sound, so quiet.

I shook my head, drove these strange feelings away, looked at Leng Xiaoxing's eyes wide open, and reconsidered the proposition he had just put forward. Although I feel this possibility in my heart, I still don't want to admit it like this: "No way." How could I be depressed? "

"you don't sleep well, do you?"

"um. Sometimes it's not good, sometimes it's okay, but I have a lot of dreams every day. "

"crying without restraint?"

". A little bit. "

"what's on your mind can't be expressed?"

"because no one can understand it because of the expression." But I sometimes say to myself. "

"do you want to go outside for an activity?"

"Sometimes I want to, but when I leave, I suddenly feel boring, and then I may not go."

"do you have any hope for yourself?"

I shook my head.

"you don't think anyone in the world can understand you, do you?"

"except for the kickball."

"boomerang? Who is the return ball? "

"is my imaginary little friend who understands me, and he lives in the opposite building, I sometimes talk to him in the opposite building and answer myself in my imagination. In this way, I feel that there is still someone to accompany me and understand me. "

my words choked Leng Xiaoxing out of breath for a long time, and then he uttered the following sentence word by word:

"if-if-this-not-depression-depression-syndrome, then-you-can-be-brain-son-enter-water -."

Leng Xiaoxing, with a serious face, finished this sentence.