If one day, you dare to meet the world naked

in May 2014, I published my first book, "No Future, No Love in the past." In June, the editor-in-chief, the warm girl, wanted to hold a reader meeting at the Yufeng Book House to talk about the book. For this meeting, the chivalrous and gentle Wu GE classmate specially came from Ningbo. The old demon girl who wrote stories about her ex in Douban and wrote a lot of excellent book reviews also set aside a Saturday to be a guest. I appreciate it. On the day of the reader meeting, my dear readers did not see me. They only talked about the guests' afternoon songs, hiding, old demons, warmth, and a friend in my life. Where was I? Are you on a business trip? are you sick? No, it's not. I was there.

sit in the last row of readers and watch people talk about the words, their impressions of me, and my life. It's like I wasn't there. I pretended I wasn't there, too. Even before the start of the show, a girl rushed into the guest reception room and asked me, "are you Susin?" Can I have your autograph? "I just smiled at her and said," I'm not. " When I was in high school, I liked a boy with snow-white skin and a face that looked a bit like Zhang Guorong. At first we were in the same class. after different classes, I would ask him to come out and chat during the evening self-study recess, and occasionally give him some gifts: lighters, books, shells, lucky stars. The girl classmate he likes is not me. One day he told me that the girl was angry with him because she was jealous of me. I was amazed: should a girl be jealous of me? Just on the winter vacation of my freshman year, I am keen to get together with my friends in high school. I had an appointment with the best guy in high school, and he was leaving soon after he came here in a hurry, saying that his girlfriend was angry with him because he wanted to see me. I think it's amazing: why do you think I'm a threat? After reading these two paragraphs, someone may silently hit a huge barrage of: GREEN TEA bitch! However, it is not because I never think that any man will fall in love with me, nor do I think that I can be a rival to any woman. When I fell in love with a man, I immediately typed three big words "impossible" in my mind. That's why I don't think any woman needs to watch out for me. I was just one year old when I suddenly had a high fever. At first, my parents thought it was just a common cold, but they didn't expect to be cured for a long time. Until one day, the most reputable old doctor in the village took my pulse and opened his mother and said to his father, "go to the big hospital. This girl may have polio."

diagnosed. When I was only ten months old, I was in a hurry to let my parents run all over the ground with a scarf. I wouldn't leave when I was one year old. I heard that I didn't learn to walk with my brother until I was two or three years old. My mother said, "I have given a needle as thin and long as a wheat awn, and it may be extremely painful. As soon as I see the doctor take out this needle, I will cry and frighten the urine at the same time." my mother said that someone told my father a folk prescription. After boiling some medicinal herbs in a big pot, I put up my sick leg and fumigated it. My father was anxious and steamed my leg for a while, and I cried bitterly and scratched his face. As soon as I lifted the quilt covering my leg, there was a bright blister on my leg. I don't remember any of this, only the leg scars are still there. It has grown up over the years and has covered my whole leg. What I remember is that when I was four years old, I came back from the vegetable garden with my mother. My brother was running happily in front of me. I couldn't keep up, so I complained to my mother, "Mom, why are you so biased?" The legs of having a son are so good, and the legs of giving birth to a daughter are so bad! " Mother also remembers that when she came home for the Spring Festival, she would still say that her father would blame her for never taking into account my mood. But I thank her and my father. They never treated me like a sick child.

whether consciously or subconsciously, they never make me feel that "you are worse than others, you can be weak, dependent, and do not want to make progress, as long as you are confused and get enough food and clothing to live." I will be beaten on Slack Off, there is no answer after school in rainy and snowy days, and I have to work in the fields or cook for them during the winter and summer holidays. I have never waived one of all the things that children of the same age have to do. So when I was a child, I didn't know how to feel inferior, and I didn't know how to restrain myself. My father mentioned that I was "arrogant and tough" when I was young; my younger brother talked about my personality and said, "stubborn, stubborn"; my mother worried that I "know how to play all day long, and I'm afraid I won't have much prospect when I grow up." Before the age of 9, I fought with all the boys who bullied me, and my highest record was one against two, quietly rolling with two boys on the school playground, covered with dirt. Didn't win, didn't cry. Since the third grade, no one in the whole school dared to bully me any more. Then I was busy playing all the games I could, reading extracurricular books and getting high marks. Apart from not being able to climb trees and kick shuttlecocks, there was nothing serious about crying in childhood. And not all able-bodied children can do both.

so, it doesn't really matter. I always thought I would have a flying life, because my heart is always flying. Began to learn inferiority complex, because finally know how to like others. Love is a demon mirror that shows all the small things under your leather robe; love is a magnifying glass that magnifies all the things you feel unbearable. Love is a lake of sulfur, and your sensitivity adds fuel to it. The moment you fall in love with someone else, you start cramping and reinventing yourself. A perfect person will not be confident in front of love, but the imperfect me will see my great imperfection for the first time in front of love. At the age of 13, I liked the boy in the back seat, but I never said love to him. At the age of 17, I liked the snow-white boy. After graduating from high school, I told him my feelings in an email and said "good-bye" to them at the same time. At the age of 22, I experienced my first real relationship. We were not together in the end, and I only asked him once: "have you ever liked me?" I don't ask because I dare not. I'm afraid of hearing answers I don't want to hear.

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Ten years later, he replied to me, "you think I don't like you because of your inferiority complex." He's right. I am afraid of the death of feelings, afraid of the kind of naked relative without cracks in love. I, who have always despised all stereotypes, only at this time will examine myself with the eyes of each other's parents: "you see, she is not in good health, she is afraid that she will not be able to take care of her family affairs, and she will take care of the children."I'm afraid I can't bring it well, so how can I be with her? " Or virtual his vision: "not beautiful and unhealthy, not good to take out to meet relatives and friends, and do not like to do housework, how lovely?" As a result, the more I loved him, the more restrained I felt. When I faced him, I even felt that I had invisible ropes on my body, binding my hands and feet, and even my throat. I like Sing, but I can't say a word in front of him. All the flying self-confidence collapses and there is nothing left. Only self-esteem is too high to be higher-when you feel that no one loves you, you will defend yourself more when you think you are not loved. This self-esteem has a dreamy high-tech, any touch, will erect a hard barrier, or trigger a sharp weapon. It is survival itself that partly cures this self-esteem. Before graduating from high school, my family was well off, but at the beginning of my freshman year, for some reason, my family was bankrupt. When I graduated from college, "finding a job and living" became the first beast I faced, because my family did not leave me any way out. I'm scared. I'm scared to death. When I made the first job call, I looked at the number in a daze for a long time and didn't dare to press the keypad.

find a job, lose your job, find another job, lose your job again, go home and open a restaurant with your brother, close down, then look for a job, leave Zhengzhou to go to Beijing to look for a job, the joy and grievances of newbies in the workplace, and the joy of the results. Ten years of work has turned me into a completely different person: less complaining, talking about things on a case-by-case basis, rational, inclined to solve problems, and not thinking that many things have anything to do with self-esteem. When you are sure that you can survive on your own no matter what, you will no longer be afraid to face the doubts of others. Excessive self-esteem is mostly related to weak self-confidence. On the other hand, self-confidence has a chance to be built only after a little bit of verification of one's own ability. But my self-esteem is not flawless. I mind being regarded as "disabled" and being defined as "physically handicapped" when I show up. What I want to live is a life beyond definition. And more often, even if we just seem to live normally, we have already had a "motivational" effect. Zhou Yunpeng once said in an interview, "as a blind person, it is not easy to break down." People will think that, as a vulnerable group, you dare to be bad, too shameless. " I know that sentence too well. That's why I didn't show up publicly at the meeting. Because I don't want to be defined, I run away from who I really am. What fully cures this self-esteem is another love that you don't get. I have loved a friend of mine for several years. Over the past few years, we have shared weal and woe, advanced and retreated together, and become very important people in each other's lives.

my feelings for him have never been more than friends. But as always, I never dared to explain this feeling. In order to make him feel comfortable, I disguised this feeling as friendship, family affection, but also openly expressed my love for him, because the expression was so exaggerated that it was regarded as a joke and could be laughed off. Until some time ago, he had a girlfriend. The night he told me, I drank a bottle of red wine alone. Then the fragment was directly broken, and when I woke up the next morning, I found that I had called him, but I couldn't remember what I had said. I thought and thought, finally lost patience with my cowardly self: is it shameful to love someone? Will you die if you just say it? If not, what are you afraid of? I made another ten-minute phone call, and for the first time in my life, I magnanimously faced my feelings and said to him, "I like you." For the first time, accept the fact that others do not accept yourself. For the first time, it was no big deal. The moment I put down the phone, I felt happy immediately. And immediately decided not to get drunk about anything again. Stumbling alive and loving, I finally learned to love myself. Not perfect, even unhealthy self. Accept the self and the fact that others may not love you-when you accept the possibility, you can also accept the possibility that "although you don't love me, I will still meet someone I love and love me".

can finally accept others to look at themselves in any way: disabled? Sure. The body is already unhealthy, and sometimes it does need the help of others. You can also walk in front of people with an unbeautiful posture. This is my unselectable fate, it has been so, there is no need to avoid. Inspirational? Sure. Everyone who lives in the world by his own efforts is worthy of respect, not to mention that I live cleanly according to certain standards of my heart. Not beautiful? Sure. Everyone has different views on beauty, and even modern Venus people think she is too fat. You should be grateful to those who think you are beautiful, and you don't need to care if you are not beautiful. Furthermore, how many people in the world do you think will see you? You think too highly of yourself and forget that everything people see is a projection of your own mind. They see you, not even you, but themselves. Sometimes I think that my soul may be shattered when I fall in love with someone for the first time, and the wheel of survival throws it to pieces. And until now, I finally put the fragments together, and it is finally complete. It's just complete, not yet integrated. Perhaps life is also a mending of the sky, it is necessary to borrow many flames to melt these fragments of soul in order to get a sky with flowing clouds and white clouds. Therefore, now my own, is finally a self-accepted objective existence. And finally be able to meet the world naked as it is today. To show you my fear and love. If there is a next book, if there is another reader meeting, look forward to that time, can hold your hand to the scene.